1
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This programme contains
strong language.

2
00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,200
It's been four weeks now
since Jock and me formed our

3
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:14,520
start-up bike-stealing company, and
business has been fucking booming.

4
00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:16,280
Have we been selling bikes
for a month now?

5
00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,040
We must be loaded.
<font color="

6
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,600
I haven't balanced the accounts yet,
but we must have shitloads, like.

7
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,640
Is that it? Where did it all go?

8
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:29,960
Void.

9
00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,040
I suppose we did have
a lot of overheads.

10
00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:42,600
The problem with stealing bikes
is it's a very inconsistent way

11
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<font color="
something to subsidise our earnings.

12
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,960
If we did our driving test,
we could learn how to steal cars.

13
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:50,640
Can't do that. There's too many
joyriders to compete with.

14
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:57,760
There's been an upside
and a downside to the break-up

15
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<font color="

16
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The upside is he's not
banging her any more.

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The downside is he's got way too
much fucking time on his hands.

18
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I have you now,
you little pricks! Bollocks!

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Believe it or not, myself and Jock
<font color="

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So our identities
are kept incognito.

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My name is Charles Faraday
and I come from England.

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And I'm George Montague,
and I also come from England.

23
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and a yard of grass

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<font color="
with a perfect pass

25
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and a yard of space

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I see Margaret cut her hedge
again next door.

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Carry on, continue as you were.

28
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I haven't had a croquette in years.
May I? Thank you!

29
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<font color="
it's a lovely smile

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it's a lovely smile

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it's a lovely smile

32
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Anyone else coming through?

33
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Oh, no. Go on, go on, go on!

34
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<font color="
to make money than this.

35
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Con...

36
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Jock and me nearly all have
the same idea at the same time,

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because we pretty much
share the same brain.

38
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It had better be good. All right,
<font color="

39
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Ta-da!

40
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,480
Well, where's the surprise? There's
a big heap of shit in the way.

41
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The surprise is the heap of shit.
It's a chip van.

42
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It's unreal, isn't it?

43
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<font color="
500 euros and it's all yours.

44
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He didn't even charge us for
the tenner of diesel in the tank.

45
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He's a fierce nice fellow.

46
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He practically just gave it away.
You two want to run a chip van?

47
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We are going to be businessmen.
<font color="

48
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You should learn to say the word
before you call yourselves that.

49
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Between...

50
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..pioneers.

51
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Between pioneers.

52
00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,080
You should probably just stick to

53
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,000
calling yourselves dickheads
for now.

54
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,000
<font color="
not relying on no-one.

55
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We need you to drive the van,
by the way. And pay for it.

56
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:24,200
We also need you to get free fish
for our business, which is called...

57
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Conor...
Jock and...

58
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,800
<font color="
Conor...

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BOTH: Conor and Jock's
fish and chips.

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You two want to run a business?
You can't even run a bath.

61
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That's just because the immersion is
so hot, we keep burning ourselves.

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And we were just eating our dinner,
<font color="

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and they took one of the croquettes.

64
00:03:46,920 --> 00:03:50,200
I don't know. Did you notice
anything about them physically?

65
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,280
Were they the same height, or what?

66
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:56,160
Well, the tall lanky fellow was
wearing a white shell tracksuit,

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<font color="
wearing a blue shell tracksuit.

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They were definitely English.

69
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,760
And I'd say by the sounds of it
they came from money.

70
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:08,440
Billy's been dealing with getting
dumped the traditional Irishman way.

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00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,320
First, drink shitloads of alcohol.

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<font color="
Because you might even enjoy it.

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Just a little bit. Or a big bit.

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00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,680
For the last time,
I don't want to see yours,

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00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,520
and I'm not showing you mine.

76
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:31,520
And when that doesn't work,
eat curry chips. Sorry, sorry.

77
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:35,680
<font color="
If you can think of anything else,
let me know, all right?

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00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,240
Thanks very much. You
have my direct phone number.

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00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,680
What are you doing here?
It's a total coincidence.

80
00:04:46,680 --> 00:04:48,480
No, not the same reason you're here.

81
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,720
<font color="
at a second-hand chip van.

82
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:54,200
Becoming businessmen. Businessmen?
Yeah. What about school?

83
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School's for dickheads. Do you
know, if we were still together,

84
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:59,680
these two would still be
<font color="

85
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:02,320
not coming up with hare-brained
business ideas. Is that right?

86
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:03,840
Yes, it is right.

87
00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:05,920
It's actually been
scientifically proven that

88
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,800
children who come from a...

89
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Stable family environment
<font color="
chance of succeeding in life.

90
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:14,160
Are you saying I'm unstable? When we
were together, you weren't unstable.

91
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:17,000
I think she's very stable.
And how would you know?

92
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,440
Unstable people can't tell
how stable they are.

93
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:22,800
<font color="
Un-fucking-believable.

94
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,920
Jock, are you hearing this? Sure am.

95
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,600
This coming from a man who chases
kids on bikes for a living.

96
00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:31,480
These two fellows
are the very picture of stability.

97
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:33,440
And you see that woman there?

98
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:38,240
<font color="
in a sea of instability.

99
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,160
And we never hit a rock. Never.

100
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:43,160
Is being kicked
out of school not a rock?

101
00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,360
Getting a teenage girl
pregnant not a rock?

102
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,520
What about having no future?

103
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,000
<font color="
I could do with a rock right now.

104
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,240
When you're ready to take me back,
we can fix all of this.

105
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,440
Fucking prick. Fucking prick.
Fucking prick.

106
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:04,600
Heads!

107
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,360
Do you know how we can get
<font color="

108
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:12,960
How?

109
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:16,880
Imagine Healy's face if we turn this
into an actual successful business.

110
00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:18,760
Just look at it now.

111
00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:22,120
Imagine it sitting there all
sparkling and new looking.

112
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:27,440
And we are all wearing matching
<font color="

113
00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:31,640
And then one day Healy
walks up to the van.

114
00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:36,520
He walks up and he's holding
his stomach in pain. He is starving.

115
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,360
And all he wants
is some fish and chips,

116
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:43,360
and he knows that you have the best
<font color="

117
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:52,280
Oh, I'm Healy. I'm so hungry.
Please, please can I have some food?

118
00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,120
And you get that food.

119
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,800
You get a plate of the most
delicious fish and chips you

120
00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:03,000
could possibly make, and he's
dripping, foaming from the mouth.

121
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,720
<font color="

122
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:07,720
Go fuck yourself.

123
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,400
Exactly!

124
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,280
OK. Yes!

125
00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:19,160
We do it together as a partnership.
All right.

126
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:20,640
And we split the profits evenly,

127
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,720
so me and Conor get 60%
and you get 40.

128
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:24,920
<font color="

129
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There's a spare seat.

130
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,480
Put that on the roof.

131
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for feelings of every kind

132
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,520


133
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,200
Righty tighty, lefty loosey,
the wrong way.

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00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,560


135
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,040
<font color="

136
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,440
Come on, look on the bright side.

137
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,600
There's no bright side
to a chip van full of dead rats.

138
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:09,840
They could be live ones.

139
00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:12,520
That's your job, by the way.

140
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:14,280
See ya.

141
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:15,320
What's our job?

142
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,440

<font color="

143
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,960
There was a dead fox in the freezer!

144
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,120
Rev it. I am revving it.

145
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,160
Are you using the pedal
on the right-hand side? He is.

146
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,680
Your other right!

147
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,800
Why didn't you say
that in the first place?

148
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,760
<font color="

149
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,240
You need to use a little bit
of elbow grease for that bit.

150
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,200
Where do I get that from?

151
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:01,120
Is that fun?

152
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,720

I left way behind...

153
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,040
I think it looks brilliant.
I can see myself everywhere.

154
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,640
<font color="

155
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,400

till the well runs dry

156
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,280


157
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,840
I have work tomorrow,
so the two of you can spend the day
cleaning the outside.

158
00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,040
See ya.

159
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,040
Division of labour.

160
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:31,720
<font color="
fucking doing it. You can do it.

161
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:42,200
How long have we been doing
this for? About 10, 15 minutes.

162
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,480
That's never coming off.

163
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,960
I have a better idea.

164
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,800
What the fuck?

165
00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:57,680
We wanted to do something
<font color="

166
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,480
Pink is in.
We looked it up on the internet.

167
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:06,440
No-one's going to take us
seriously in a poxy pink chip van.
The state of it!

168
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:07,920
Stand out and get us noticed.

169
00:10:07,920 --> 00:10:10,080
Healy's going to laugh his arse off
when he sees this.

170
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:11,880
<font color="

171
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,360
Not me. Exactly. What's the problem?

172
00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,160
All right, mam? You sure you don't
want your name up there as well?

173
00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:27,240
No, thanks. It's not a problem.

174
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,320
We can probably fit it in
between Jock's and fish.

175
00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,320
<font color="

176
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,200
Lads, this isn't going to pass
first time, you know that?

177
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,640
We just send it in for a test
and see what happens, all right?

178
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,440
I've got a pretty good feeling
we might pass first time.

179
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:44,440
I've got the same good feeling.

180
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:48,240
<font color="
going to take two or three goes.

181
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,720
And I bet my life on that.

182
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,120
Here you go. Clean bill of health.

183
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,080
You might want to keep
an eye on the back tyres.

184
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:06,000
The treads are starting
to get worn. Thank you.

185
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,000
<font color="
I knew we'd pass first time.

186
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,760
Those were her exact words, yeah.

187
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:20,160
It turns out, to run a business, you
need to know stuff about business.

188
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:25,200
In business, your net profit is
the money you make minus your costs.

189
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:29,440
If someone was in, let's just say,
<font color="

190
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:34,360
and they could get bikes
at a very low cost. How low?

191
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,560
Very low, total bargain,
practically free.

192
00:11:37,560 --> 00:11:43,600
Like, what you sell the bikes
for minus what you paid for them,

193
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,160
that's called your profit.

194
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:53,280
<font color="
something, the more profit you get?

195
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,360
Exactly! There you go.

196
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,680
You're not as stupid as you look,
you know that?

197
00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,320
So let's just try and get the
potatoes and fish for free, then.

198
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:02,800
Well, no, cos that's stealing.

199
00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:05,200
<font color="
Oh, we can't do that, no.

200
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,040
I didn't know you could cook fish.

201
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,600
I've been a fishmonger my entire
life, you pleb.

202
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,640
Then how come you never made
fish for me at home?

203
00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:17,120
Cos you only ate chicken and bread.

204
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,600
<font color="

205
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,000
Next, I need you to wear these.

206
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,360
Wait, is this really necessary,
like?

207
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:29,000
I can't remember the last time
I ate chips without hair on them.

208
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,280
Well, we're going to raise the bar,
then, aren't we?

209
00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:35,320
<font color="
is really important.

210
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,040
Are ye listening?

211
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:40,280
Yeah.

212
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:42,080
And no touching yourselves at work.

213
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:43,760
What's that supposed to mean?

214
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,600
The number one rule of running
a chip van, right, is no smoking.

215
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,400
Fags and fat equals fire.

216
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:54,680
<font color="

217
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:55,720
Repeat that now.

218
00:12:55,720 --> 00:13:00,680
BOTH: Fags and fat equals fire.
Fags and fat equals fire.

219
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:03,360
BOTH: Fags and fat equals fire,
fire, fire, fire. Say what?

220
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,840
Fags and fat equals fire,
<font color="

221
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,280
Fags and fat equals fire, fire,

222
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,280
fire, fire.

223
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,280
HE BANGS SURFACE

224
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:11,600
Fags and fat equals fire,
fire, fire, fire. Yeah, you've
got it now. It's cool.

225
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,640
Fags and fat equals fire,
fire, fire, fire.

226
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:16,120
<font color="
and fags and fags and fags

227
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,160
and fags and fags and fags and....

228
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:21,120
Fire, fire, fire, fire.

229
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,600
Fags and fat equals fire, fire...

230
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,840
I'll give you a fucking clout
now if you don't stop.

231
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,320
Battle stations.

232
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:31,560
<font color="
fish and chips, please?

233
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,800
Just one of you do it.
Just one of you.

234
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:51,040
Jesus Christ, ask her
for money, will you?

235
00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,680
Er, seven euros, please, madam.

236
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:54,880
I only have ten.

237
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:57,320
Here.

238
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,600
<font color="

239
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,040
Hang on a sec, hang on a sec.

240
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,440
Three for you.

241
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:07,520
OK. Enjoy the fish now, yeah?

242
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:11,880
This is unreal!

243
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:14,440
Unreal.

244
00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:15,520
Really?

245
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:17,160
Luscious. Unreal/luscious.

246
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,480
<font color="

247
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,880
That's us. Nice one.
Unreal/luscious. Try five.

248
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:23,400
WHIRRING

249
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,200
You going to give us a hand,
or what?

250
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,280
I've got shit on the bottom
of my shoe.

251
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,440
<font color="
into the chip van?

252
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:37,920
Didn't think so.

253
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,120
WHIRRING STOPS

254
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:45,040
I thought I told you to stop
coming round unannounced.

255
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,440
You used to like when I called
round unannounced.

256
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,440
Yeah, well, that was before
<font color="

257
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,200
you're a fucking weirdo stalker.

258
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,400
I am not a weirdo stalker.

259
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,600
All right? I'm just here to collect
the rest of my things.

260
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:57,640
Fine.

261
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:01,960
DOOR OPENS

262
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:04,040
Wait, is this yours?

263
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:05,640
Yeah.

264
00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:07,760
You haven't been putting
<font color="

265
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,000
No.

266
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,720
Putting other people's toothbrush
in your mouth is very unhygienic.

267
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,960
DOOR OPENS

268
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,400
Watch, he's going camping.

269
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:28,680
SHE CHUCKLES

270
00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:31,200
HE LAUGHS

271
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,680
Do you know I...

272
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:34,040
When I broke up with Linda,

273
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,400
<font color="
taste of shit in my mouth.

274
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,640
SHE SNICKERS

275
00:15:37,640 --> 00:15:39,200
Did you notice that, Mam,

276
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,800
when you broke up with Healy?

277
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,040
Yeah, I had an awful
taste of shit in my mouth.

278
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,600
THEY SNIGGER

279
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:50,680
Cheers.

280
00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,480
<font color="
stuck between my teeth.

281
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,720
Mairead, I think that taste
in your mouth you're referring to

282
00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:59,160
is bitterness.

283
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,200
And once you get past it,

284
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:06,080
you'll realise that what's
best for those two boys is us.

285
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,360
Together.

286
00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:09,240
<font color="

287
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:10,480
Is that right?

288
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:13,120
Yeah, well, they just had their
first day working in the chip van

289
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,840
and I have to say, I was impressed.

290
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:15,920
Oh, yeah?

291
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:17,200
What was your turnover?

292
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,360
I turned over, like, one fish,

293
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,680
Jock turned over two.

294
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,360
<font color="

295
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:25,120
Yeah, well, our turnover is going
to be something else

296
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:26,800
at the Cork City match tomorrow.

297
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,720
Ooh, you sure they're
ready for that now?

298
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,080
Thousands of hungry fans.

299
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:36,080
Could be made or break
for Conor'n'Jock's Fish'n'Chips.

300
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,520
<font color="

301
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,520
All right. Well, I'm
working on the match, too, so...

302
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:41,960
..I'll see you there.

303
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,160
Can't wait.

304
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:48,000
Would you like a mint?

305
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,840
Mam, are you sure
we're ready for that?

306
00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:58,840
Yeah.

307
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:01,200
Yeah.

308
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:05,480
<font color="
football matches with your chip van

309
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:08,800
is get there early and beat the
other idiots to the best spot.

310
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:10,720
We're fucking 45 minutes late.

311
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,880
Like, what were you doing in the
shower for that long?

312
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,240
Same thing everyone does in the
<font color="

313
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:17,280
having a wank.

314
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,960
Oh, you two should start wearing
flip-flops next time, by the way.

315
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,160
HE CHUCKLES

316
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:26,480
Come on. Chop chop, chop,
chop, chop, chop...

317
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,160
TANNOY: Ladies and gentlemen, please
<font color="

318
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,760
CROWD CLAMOUR
WHISTLE BLOWS

319
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,040
OK, so, look,
we missed the half-time rush, right?

320
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:37,920
But with any luck,
Cork City are going to lose

321
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:40,800
and hopefully the supporters are
going to want to drown their sorrows

322
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,920
<font color="
So huddle up, huddle up.

323
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:45,880
All right.

324
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:45,880
CROWD CHEER OUTSIDE

325
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,160
Now, I know we all
have our weaknesses.

326
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,920
Jock isn't good up front,
Conor's not great with the hygiene,

327
00:17:50,920 --> 00:17:53,080
but if we play to our strengths

328
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:55,920
<font color="
side of the counter rattle us,

329
00:17:55,920 --> 00:17:58,360
I think we can get a really good
result out there today.

330
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,400
Yes, gaffer. All right.

331
00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:03,280
TANNOY BOOMS

332
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:04,720
APPLAUSE

333
00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,000
Mam.

334
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,920
SHOUTING

335
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:13,480
<font color="
fish and chips...

336
00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:16,320
Give us a bag of chips
and two sausages.

337
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:17,720
We don't serve fucking sausages.

338
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:19,800
Conor, you can't swear
at the fucking customers.

339
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,040
You just fucking swore at me.

340
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,920
<font color="
but not at the fucking customers.

341
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,640
All right, sorry!
Sorry, what will it be?

342
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,040
A bag of chips and two
fucking sausages.

343
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,480
We don't serve fucking sausages.

344
00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,120
What the fuck, Conor?

345
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,680
Fine. A fucking fish, so.
<font color="

346
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:36,800
Right. Say when.

347
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:49,200
When.

348
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,800
Yeah, Con, what's your
mum doing here?

349
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,440
Oh, she's a... My business partner.

350
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:58,960
Could you just stop standing
round like a spare pair of pricks

351
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,320
and actually do some work, like?

352
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,320
<font color="
a silent partner, love.

353
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:03,560
THEY LAUGH

354
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,120
Ha-ha, funny.

355
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:06,680
THEY SHOUT INDISTINCTLY

356
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,000
Four pieces of cod.
Come on, will you?

357
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,320
Sorry, Mam. Sorry!

358
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:13,800
THEY SHOUT

359
00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:15,320
You haven't set it up properly.

360
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,480
<font color="

361
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,480
Get me a fucking...!

362
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,760
Quickly, will you? For fuck's sake,
what are you doing?

363
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,760
We're fucking trying,
aren't we? Look!

364
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,160
Give me a fucking tenner. Did you
change the gas cylinder?

365
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,200
<font color="
I'm trying my best!

366
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,040
Checking to see how you
guys are getting on.

367
00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:33,240
Sorry, Sergeant, no special
treatment for the Garda.

368
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,920
You have to queue up
like everybody else.

369
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:36,720
SHOUTING DROWNS SPEECH

370
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:42,480
<font color="
with these here. Why?

371
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:43,680
They're soggy.

372
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,600
The oil isn't hot enough.

373
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:46,800
What do you mean?

374
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,720
THEY SCREAM

375
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:49,760
How did you do that?

376
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:50,920
Is that a fake hand?

377
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,640
It's gone cold. Did you change
<font color="

378
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,000
Is...

379
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,800
I asked you to do one fucking thing.

380
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:57,840
One thing?

381
00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,160
More like 100 fucking things.

382
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,280
Well, how were we supposed to
decipher what order

383
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:02,960
to do all your fucking
orders in, like?

384
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,000
<font color="
for? Just change the gas cylinder!

385
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,680
I'll change it!

386
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,400
Jesus.

387
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,120
Sorry, folks. Just bear with us
for, like, 15 minutes

388
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:13,640
and then we'll reheat the oil, yeah?

389
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:14,800
15 minutes?

390
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,440
Fuck that.

391
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,720
<font color="

392
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,040
Fuck.

393
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,520
It's ready.

394
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:26,560
Oh, great.

395
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:28,880
Why don't we just serve all
the no-people in the queue.

396
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:33,840
Turn off the gas, will you?

397
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:38,200
Four words, Mairead.

398
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,920
I told you...

399
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,280
Well, you know the last one.

400
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:49,760
<font color="

401
00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,280
Pick that up.

402
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:57,680
The boys weren't ready for it.

403
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,280
I think, personally, we should have

404
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:06,000
a PTA meeting about our business.
Yeah, I agree.

405
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,640
A parent-teacher meeting?

406
00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:10,280
No, it's a
partnership meeting, like.

407
00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:11,760
<font color="

408
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:13,680
You made me look
like a dickhead all day.

409
00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:15,600
I could have done everything
out there myself.

410
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,200
All right, Miss High-Almighty,

411
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:20,440
here, this chip van wouldn't even
be on the roll if it wasn't for us.

412
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:21,800
Oh, really? How come?

413
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,240
<font color="

414
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:25,360
How?

415
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:28,160
The same way that we get our free
satellite television.

416
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,360
You bribed a government official?

417
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,320
BOTH: Yes.
We did. Oh, my God.

418
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:35,240
And, do you know, Mairead? A little
<font color="

419
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,320
Yeah. Gratitude?!

420
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:38,200
Yes. Gra-ti-tude.

421
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,080
So, in your own time,
we'd like a thank you.

422
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,680
ENGINE SPLUTTERS

423
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:47,560
Oh, God! Fuck! For fuck's sake.

424
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,040
<font color="

425
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:51,440
Did you not put fucking oil
in the engine? That was my fault?

426
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,640
You failed the NCT and got
a fake document... Oh,
Jesus Christ! We did this...!

427
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,360
<font color="
it's our fault! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

428
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,040
Who the fuck is this?

429
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:06,440
If you're not going anywhere,
any chance of a fish supper?

430
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:07,960
ALL: Fuck off!

431
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,320
Fuck off.

432
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:21,600
No.

433
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,880
<font color="

434
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:29,840
But between parts and labour,
it's going to cost 1,000 euros.

435
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:30,920
And even after that,

436
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,320
I can't guarantee it's going
to pass the DOE.

437
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,520
It'll pass the DOE. Shut up, Jock.

438
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,880
How much will you give me
<font color="

439
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:41,040
What? You can't sell it -

440
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,360
we're partners. We need to make
this decision together.

441
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,480
The partnership is over.

442
00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:46,600
I paid for this heap of shit

443
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:48,400
and I want to see what
I can get back for it.

444
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:49,640
How much will you give me?

445
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:51,360
<font color="

446
00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:54,280
but I'll give you 200 euros
for the engine.

447
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,000
Perfect. We don't need an engine.

448
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,800
And now, I've heard it all.

449
00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,560
We don't need an engine?

450
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:00,960
It's a fucking chip van, like.

451
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,960
How are we supposed to get
<font color="

452
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:04,000
We have a plan.

453
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,120
Is it as stupid as it was to buy
the chip van in the first place?

454
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,600
We'll pretend
we didn't hear that one.

455
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:11,080
That prick, Tony, was right.

456
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:13,560
I am unstable.

457
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:19,480
And now, because of me,
<font color="

458
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,320
You've no direction and you're just
latching onto every idiotic idea

459
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,440
that comes into your unstable heads.

460
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:29,920
We're all un-fucking-stable.

461
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,760
And I'm the lighthouse, yeah?
Just like you said.

462
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,680
In a sea of instability.

463
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:40,080
<font color="

464
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,600
Your mum having a stroke?

465
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:46,720
You two fucking idiots are just
crashing into these rocks,

466
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:50,680
these giant rocks, and you're
sinking and you're drowning.

467
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,120
Er, will you give us a minute?

468
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:01,600
FOOTSTEPS RECEDING

469
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:02,880
We are...

470
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,360
<font color="

471
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,200
It's shining strong and bright.

472
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:13,840
Since we're all speaking in
metaphors, here's another one.

473
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:17,480
We were watching this science
thing on YouTube the other day

474
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:22,280
and it said if you put a monkey in
front of a typewriter...

475
00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:24,520
<font color="
an immortal monkey.

476
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,120
Ah, yeah. It said if you put an
immortal...an immortal monkey

477
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:28,360
in front of a typewriter...

478
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:30,760
An immortal monkey? Like, where
are you going with this?

479
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:33,320
No, you... Just listen to this,
<font color="

480
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:35,520
You tell the immortal
monkey to write

481
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:38,040
the complete works of Shakespeare.
He will.

482
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,160
I don't... I don't get it.

483
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:41,960
Oh, wait, no. No, no, no,
you got it wrong.

484
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,160
Right.

485
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,960
<font color="
to write for eternity, OK?

486
00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:48,640
Yeah. And then after a while -

487
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:51,120
probably a long while... Yeah.

488
00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:55,080
..by pure perseverance, he will
eventually get it done. Exactly.

489
00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:56,640
<font color="

490
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,920
He's some sort of, like,
god-monkey and if you keep

491
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,520
at something for long enough,
you never quit, never... Never.

492
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:04,080
..ever quit, then you will
eventually achieve

493
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:05,840
<font color="

494
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:08,240
And that's what we are.

495
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:12,160
We're the immortal monkeys
that never give up.

496
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:14,520
And we learned from the biggest
monkey of all of them.

497
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:21,920
Our mamma monkey.

498
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:23,400
Our mamma monkey.

499
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:24,960
We never quit.

500
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,400
<font color="

501
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:47,840
OK, well, like, we don't
have 1,000 euro to fix it.

502
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,160
We do have a plan.

503
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:57,000
It's a bit unconvenient, but...

504
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,680
He means inconventional.

505
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:01,840
Unconventional.

506
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:03,000
Yeah. Yeah, OK.

507
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:04,240
SHE LAUGHS

508
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:06,320
<font color="
by Fatboy Slim

509
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:07,760
THEY CHEER

510
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:21,120
CHEERING

511
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:30,640
Not many things can bring a
community together, but it turns out

512
00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:32,760
Conor'n'Jock'n'Mairead's
Fish'n'Chips

513
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:34,120
happens to be one that can.

514
00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:35,480
Roll up, roll up!

515
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,560
<font color="
Fish'n'Chips

516
00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:39,520
is back in business!

517
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:41,280
THEY CHEER

518
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,680
Quality fish and chips
made by Cork's finest fryer!

519
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:47,640
THEY CHEER

520
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:48,680
Right, what do you want?

521
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:51,160
One kids portion of fish and chips.
<font color="

522
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:52,200
Order up!

523
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:53,320
Do you want vinegar?

524
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:57,400
There you are, sir.

525
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,000
Some chips and two fish and chips.

526
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,360
Fish and chips.

527
00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:01,800
THEY SHOUT

528
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:07,080
Order up!

529
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,160
I love the crinkly ones.

530
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:11,280
Yeah, I know.

531
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:20,160
<font color="

532
00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:23,160
That's my fella! Yeah, I think
you left your tongue in his mouth.

533
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,120
THEY LAUGH

534
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:29,640
We're going to move them
wankers out.

535
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,520
Do me a favour here, lads.

536
00:27:31,520 --> 00:27:32,600
Let this one go.

537
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:38,120
THEY CHEER

538
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:46,400
<font color="

539
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:48,960
She's only just come in.

540
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:51,960
She was on facey. Mmm.

541
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:55,600
SHE SIGHS

542
00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,520
Right, that was the last customer.

543
00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,360
And we made 400 quid today.

544
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:02,600
Do you know what?

545
00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:05,560
No matter what happens, I think you
<font color="

546
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:14,040
Oh, shit.

547
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:15,080
What?

548
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:17,840
Oh, Jesus, there's a fire!
Someone call the Fire Brigade!

549
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:19,040
Fuck! Shit!

550
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:21,800
I think I may have left
my cigarette in the ashtray.

551
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:23,600
FIRE ROARS

552
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,120
<font color="

553
00:28:26,120 --> 00:28:27,200
Next to the fryer.

554
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:28,240
And what was your...

555
00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:31,520
What was your number one rule
for running a chip van, now, Mam?

556
00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:33,320
No smoking.

557
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:36,400
Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
What was that?

558
00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:37,880
No smoking!

559
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:38,920
<font color="

560
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:43,720
Because fat plus fags equals...

561
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:44,760
Fire.

562
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:46,000
SIRENS WAIL

563
00:28:44,760 --> 00:28:46,000
Fire.

564
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:48,960
Burn on.

565
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:53,280
All right, well, I always fancied
getting a Chinese thing.

566
00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:55,040
<font color="